maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
