I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
