Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
