He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
