Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
