dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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