Yo dont text me then not text me
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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