I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
