i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
