Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Did you just see the Batmobile???
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
