she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I have post one night stand depression
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
