Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
All I want is dick and wine.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
