never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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