put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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