Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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