I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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