got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
