My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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