We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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