I think I won the penis lottery.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
