oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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