my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
