You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
