Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Randomize
