Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
