What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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