naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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