i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
