Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
