So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
