I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
