Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
