So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
