Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
