Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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