Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
