How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
