I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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