I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
