I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
4 words: hood of his car
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
