So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
