Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
