My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
