There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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