insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
If I die, sorry about rent.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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