Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
