woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
