she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
