OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
