She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
